wotroriya wotroriya , daridaridarumbu

Long time no post , i have been hestitating to come here, because its here where all my past would be unfold. all the unhappy stuffs , all the stuffs i reminded myself.
all the things i have lost .
Bt th reason why i still came was , because in this blog , i find comfort , maybe because of the stuffs i wrote , i can fully understood which others might not be able to .
Tonight , i felt this feeling again ,
A tight knot in my stomach , i wanted so much to feel happy when seeing other couples together , but once i felt abit happy. i start to wonder where or when is mine ,
why has my love not came yet , is that my fault when everything starts to go haywire .
i start to question myself , where have i not done well ? or am i not pretty enough for anyone to love?

and then i start to remind myself , when it comes to love , looks is not everything .
but then how much internal beauty does one see?

i really hate to see couples in love , i really want to feel happy for them , but i cant .
God i ask , why millions of people fall in love at one time , but no one is for me .
Flings? Why must i always have people behind me chasing , but when i stop and turn around the people chasing me is long gone.
and now GPC. how much longer i have to suffer?

damnnn it . nw i look like some ugly ducking, when can i recover? When ?

My problems , My tears fall.

as i m typing , my tears are flowing uncontrollably. i dk what the fuck i m crying about.
it has been a blur whether its the iphone lost , my mother ignoring me , or when anything is lost or spoil my mother would blame me , or was it because i lost my best friend.

i hate to return to this home , after a long tired day of work , my mother would still ask , where is the motherfucking key ! I fucking didnt take okay mother ! how many fucking times you want me to tell you . i really hate you and you are always accusing me of something i never do , it has not happen only one time , its alot of time , and when you finally realise its you who has it all along , you never bother to say sorry . its always you are the one that is right , and others are wrong ,
did you ever bother to think about it ? you say your life is hard , but you had just enough to eat , you have a job , you once had your good friend , yet you complain about everything as if its the end of the world , why? you know what , i hate your character , though daddy always say you have a soft spot. you just said in a moment of fury , i know he might be right , but have you think that the words you say has hurt others , for lifetime? you never think about others , only yourself , arbo the whole world people all die , you live alone better right .
its mother day today , thoughtful me still bought you the present , yet you just look @ it and throw it on the table. ( shitty 98.7 still tell me cookbook is a nice gift ) FUCKING REGRET I BUY IT . I SHOULD NEVER GIVE YOU ANY MONEY , ANY FUCKING COOKBOOK. YOU SELFISH COW ! i hate you , on this mother day. i hate you !

-------------------------09 may 2010--------------------------------------------------

i think , i lost my best friend , i used to go to her whenever i got all this problem ,

she would be there for me always . but today , i cant go to her , i tried to tell her , but she wasnt aware. she never wanted to be there for me again ,
she never share things with me again, its over . the bonds are fading day by day .
because of the hectic life ,

maybe one day , we might even become stranger along a busy street ,embarass to see each other , and mumbled a quick hi before zapping off to our destination ,
would it happen?
or would what we imagine happen? we will rent a condo together , we will go double dates. we will go overseas together ? we will still be best friends 10 yrs , 20 yrs down the road ? i m sick and tired of my life. things are happening at a more faster pace then i can absorb or even try to change it ,
why cant i just die ?