wotroriya wotroriya , daridaridarumbu

Long time no post , i have been hestitating to come here, because its here where all my past would be unfold. all the unhappy stuffs , all the stuffs i reminded myself.
all the things i have lost .
Bt th reason why i still came was , because in this blog , i find comfort , maybe because of the stuffs i wrote , i can fully understood which others might not be able to .
Tonight , i felt this feeling again ,
A tight knot in my stomach , i wanted so much to feel happy when seeing other couples together , but once i felt abit happy. i start to wonder where or when is mine ,
why has my love not came yet , is that my fault when everything starts to go haywire .
i start to question myself , where have i not done well ? or am i not pretty enough for anyone to love?

and then i start to remind myself , when it comes to love , looks is not everything .
but then how much internal beauty does one see?

i really hate to see couples in love , i really want to feel happy for them , but i cant .
God i ask , why millions of people fall in love at one time , but no one is for me .
Flings? Why must i always have people behind me chasing , but when i stop and turn around the people chasing me is long gone.
and now GPC. how much longer i have to suffer?

damnnn it . nw i look like some ugly ducking, when can i recover? When ?

My problems , My tears fall.

as i m typing , my tears are flowing uncontrollably. i dk what the fuck i m crying about.
it has been a blur whether its the iphone lost , my mother ignoring me , or when anything is lost or spoil my mother would blame me , or was it because i lost my best friend.

i hate to return to this home , after a long tired day of work , my mother would still ask , where is the motherfucking key ! I fucking didnt take okay mother ! how many fucking times you want me to tell you . i really hate you and you are always accusing me of something i never do , it has not happen only one time , its alot of time , and when you finally realise its you who has it all along , you never bother to say sorry . its always you are the one that is right , and others are wrong ,
did you ever bother to think about it ? you say your life is hard , but you had just enough to eat , you have a job , you once had your good friend , yet you complain about everything as if its the end of the world , why? you know what , i hate your character , though daddy always say you have a soft spot. you just said in a moment of fury , i know he might be right , but have you think that the words you say has hurt others , for lifetime? you never think about others , only yourself , arbo the whole world people all die , you live alone better right .
its mother day today , thoughtful me still bought you the present , yet you just look @ it and throw it on the table. ( shitty 98.7 still tell me cookbook is a nice gift ) FUCKING REGRET I BUY IT . I SHOULD NEVER GIVE YOU ANY MONEY , ANY FUCKING COOKBOOK. YOU SELFISH COW ! i hate you , on this mother day. i hate you !

-------------------------09 may 2010--------------------------------------------------

i think , i lost my best friend , i used to go to her whenever i got all this problem ,

she would be there for me always . but today , i cant go to her , i tried to tell her , but she wasnt aware. she never wanted to be there for me again ,
she never share things with me again, its over . the bonds are fading day by day .
because of the hectic life ,

maybe one day , we might even become stranger along a busy street ,embarass to see each other , and mumbled a quick hi before zapping off to our destination ,
would it happen?
or would what we imagine happen? we will rent a condo together , we will go double dates. we will go overseas together ? we will still be best friends 10 yrs , 20 yrs down the road ? i m sick and tired of my life. things are happening at a more faster pace then i can absorb or even try to change it ,
why cant i just die ?

i m back after a long time !

Hey my lovely blog ! miss me all this while i m not here?
sorry to neglect u ! but wordpress can hides my sorrow. so ...
i m too lazy to come ! but well. here i m ! now i blog my sorrow , pour it out to you .
cos this is the place i would feel so much like myself. feel like no one would come here and disturb whatever i say .
i love this blog (:

enough about the lovey dovey part. lets go straight into my ranting .
srsly , IF all this wasnt real then dont lead me on already , treat me like what you did yesterday.
SIMPLE AND NICE , it will really end things then , lead me on & you will srslsy find it hard to get rid of me .
& please . why do you only talk to me when jason talks?
he lead you to talk to me ? or he persuade you to talk to me ? or , the worst you cant bear me talking to him?
why?
facebook i added him , you added me . he dont talk to me , you dont talk. & when he do and you do .
what th fuck you want. i fucking ask you.
what the silly fuck you want?
you are jealous we talked? you bloody like him? (please dont tell me that i fucking faint )
is that all coincidental. or is that all jealousy ?
Jason is a good guy & i wont hurt him , yes i bloody swear upon this post.
(((((:
& you . you hurt me , more then once , & i think its your turn to get this kind of treatment already .
but i cant help but smile when the conv w your name blinks.
On the other contary hand, i tried to annalyse. i tried to think why ? why would you only shows this kind of attention on me when jason talks,
two reasons seems so true .
1. you like jason. ( which i will bloody faint if this is true )
2. you are jealous over him . ( which i dk why )
damn this is so possible.
you are drivin me crazy with all this drama. like a shitzxz ..
you made my body clock goes without rest. & you made my whole world just crumple. fuck it, fuck it .
After knowing you , my IQ from 100 can become Genius IQ cn. with so many questions . & yet to be found answer. i m going maaaaad.

03/05/2009
12:05:51 AM
Jiale Says : what are you trying to test?
hahaha, have to takecare eh!
03/05/2009
12:05:56 AM
Jiale Says : what are you trying to test?
Get well sooooon(:
03/05/2009
12:06:20 AM
tyfin
yes ok
03/05/2009
12:06:25 AM
tyfin:dont worry
03/05/2009
12:06:36 AM
tyfin:nv say smth like drink more water
03/05/2009
12:06:38 AM
tyfin:rest well
03/05/2009
12:06:40 AM
tyfin:etc
03/05/2009
12:06:41 AM
tyfin:haha
03/05/2009
12:06:47 AM
Jiale Says : what are you trying to test:haha
03/05/2009
12:06:53 AM
Jiale Says : what are you trying to test?
at least i say smth good
03/05/2009
12:06:59 AM
Jiale Says : what are you trying to test?
didnt curse you right?! lol
03/05/2009
12:07:49 AM
tyfin
yea then i shld thanks u alr
03/05/2009
12:07:52 AM
tyfin
for not cursing me
03/05/2009
12:07:54 AM
tyfin:haha


I WISHED TIME COULD INDEFINETELY STOP ON THAT MOMENT .
I WISHED YOU COULD BE MINE.
MISS YOU . I REALLY CAN CRY CAUSE OF THIS STUPID CONVER.
its your birthday ytd. yet i could nt wish you.
fuck it .

A really hard to blog post.

I doubt no one reads so far.
its been hard on me to blog this post . It may not seem so in my "Make knwn to everybody blog"
But this is a secret blog. i can rant , and talk freely as i want.
i so wanted to cry. i so wanted to scream. i so wanted to talk and laugh as freely as i can.
Yes. no doubt nothing bad has fallen on me . But sometimes it feel as thou i m not completed yet.
And no doubt thou i am attached to no one , different guys keep running through my mind,
and that makes me feel so bloody fucking stupid , silly. whatever you can name
But just not horny . i didnt think of doing them up didnt i !!?
SO NO HORNY FOR THAT FILL IN THE BLANKS. thanks .
same words keep running through my mind. No i do not need a man , i do not fucking need a guy shoulders to lean , arghh. whatever,
main point "i do not need a guy" keep running throough my mind.
why do i even need a guy when i m having tons of attention at guys who wants me bad.
it occurs to me that , whenever i like someone , someone will never like me .
And no matter what other guys who want me did , i do not want them , nor anything to do w them.
Ahuh. so thats the point fr why i havent been in a r/s for so long.
R/s normally it would just be another topic fr me and my girls. but now since i m blogging in my secret blog. i would tell you honestly , how much i wanted fr someone to be in my life right now.
Anyone , someone ,

I just wish that i would call someone when i m lonely , when i m bored or even when i m on my way home from my school , meetings and dates.
Wish that someone would praise about me every now and then , frm the botton of his heart.( On a clearer note , it has been like that so exclude this )
Wish that he would surprise me , I love abs love surprise .
Wish that whenever i am sad , he would appear with my favourite durians. or whatever. sweet things just to see me smile.
Wish that i can hao lian him to my cliques and friends.
Wish that he is the one i truly love .
.... okay wordy post.bye

Its been two years plus , or more then that .

Single for that long. what happened?

Nobody believe even when i tell them ?

Does the problem lies w me , or them ?

Seriously. it has been going in my head for , millions trillions time , somehow, its a .. curse or smth ? is it ?

'The guys i like woould never be interested in me, they would rather be interested in one ugly girl then me .

I knw and yes , jo told me , love isnt about looks , and it will looks will nv be a piority in true love .

yes i know. but why always?

then , grw so pretty for?

okay , whatever. assumption okay! i buay song can .i don like can ,

why ? last time when i was ugly duckling , everybody says , i m ugly , i would make do w somethings. bla

I dont hope for any guys to like me , i know i m inferior.

But nw?

When people look. they will say , aiseh pretty girl seh, thy wont notice my flaws anymore,

but why when i think about it . i still think i m inferior.

whr am i inferior?

i FEEL like crying at this lonely night,

why is there no shoulder fr me?

Heyo . i say hey and you say yo.
sometimes in life , i just do not know what i want .
its like my life is in a mess. like you , like studies , like job.
If they say that . life is just like a thousand of test put tgt , thn i knew i must be a bad student that hv F in all of life modules.
Love , family, friends , and evrything.
what hv i done after all of my living these years?
what can i do , expect in my life , after i grw up .
theres this song , Que sera.
no doubt . its lyrics is meaningful to me . my favourite life quote is from there. and it will never change.
People always tell me . see things , see life from other angle. and i might find smthg frm there.
still. i cant find it .
why ? am i born to be a useless bum in this world?

You , yes you , tyfin zhikai.
I donknow why . i got this deadly attraction to you.
jo thinks you are like Hua ze rui. was it why? i was attracted.
cause of your mysterious. what is this? i like guys tt are mysterious?
i m so sick and tired of all these.
people do not believe i Do not hv a boyf ,
out of 10 , probably only 1 believe .
i just dont know why. attractive am i ?
pretty am i?
sometime i just do not hv the confidence anymore
. not any of the , yea i m not inferior t you confident anymore.
thats tiring . to be honest . to keep telling myself that i m pretty.
sometimes its more tiring to keep up to you .
i feel that . i m giving up. this time for real.

Just like that fool .